Children are so innocent, and filters are completely absent. My 5 and 3 year old little girls have been on a kick lately of saying, "Mommy, you have a baby in your belly!" They laugh hysterically after they say it. There are a few pregnant preschool parents, so I guess that's where this is stemming from. Cutting me would hurt less.
A little boy at their preschool cornered me last year. He said, "You're really fat. My dad used to be really fat. Now he's not fat, but you really are." Thank God my little girl didn't hear him. There have been other preschool children who very innocently have asked if I had a baby in my belly. Now my own children....that's icing on the cake. I hold my breath when I drop them off or pick them up from preschool...knowing that at any moment a child could say, "hey, why are you so fat?!?!"
My 5 year old doesn't want me to have the weight loss surgery. She asks me all the time why I want to be skinny. She says, "Aunt Candi is happy like she is, why aren't you happy like you are." She says she loves me like I am, and she's not sure she'll recognize me if I'm not fat. She asks if my hair will stay brown, if it will be straight or curly, if I will still get pimples on my face after I lose weight. She's something else, that one.
~18 Days Pre-Lapband~
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Lowest Low, Highest High
Within minutes of arriving to work, I got a call from the weight loss surgeons' head nurse. She proceeds to tell me that insurance requires 7 consecutive monthly weigh-ins before they will approve the weight loss surgery, and my file indicated I'd had 6 as of 12/30. If one month is missed during that time period, the patient has to start all over at weigh-in #1, yada yada. I think my heart actually stopped for a second! I just didn't have it in me to wait 7 more months!
Luckily, my primary care doc had left off a weigh-in. We quickly resolved the issue, and within a minute of a lowest low, I experienced a highest high! I received "official" insurance approval for the surgery, and even better than that, an "official" surgery date.
On March 17th - 9 months after I began the lapband approval process - I finally will have the surgery. I do pre-op labs this coming Monday, meet with the nutritionist and doctor the following week, and days later have the surgery. I did a little YouTubing today and came across a really great before/after video. And another. There are actually too many to list here.
I can't even begin to imagine how great it will feel to see the extra baggage melt away over time.
Luckily, my primary care doc had left off a weigh-in. We quickly resolved the issue, and within a minute of a lowest low, I experienced a highest high! I received "official" insurance approval for the surgery, and even better than that, an "official" surgery date.
On March 17th - 9 months after I began the lapband approval process - I finally will have the surgery. I do pre-op labs this coming Monday, meet with the nutritionist and doctor the following week, and days later have the surgery. I did a little YouTubing today and came across a really great before/after video. And another. There are actually too many to list here.
I can't even begin to imagine how great it will feel to see the extra baggage melt away over time.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Little Black Dress
I crossed another hurdle today. Of all the tests the doc could have required I have before surgery, the psych eval was the only one he requested. I hear this is common among weight loss surgery patients...docs wanting to make sure the WLS patient's frame of mind is where it should be prior to surgery. Good news...I'm all clear!
The appointment with the psychologist went well. We basically just talked about the things I shared in my posting from yesterday. We talked about my obsession with weight and that no matter how thin I ever was, I always perceived myself as fat. The psychologist had a great recommendation. She asked that prior to surgery I buy an outfit in a size I feel a thin person can wear. She asked that I hang this outfit in a place where it can be seen daily and visualize myself wearing that outfit. When I finally am able to wear it, I'll truly know I've won the battle. It's worth a try!
My goal is not to weigh a certain amount or wear a certain size. I have an idea in mind of what healthy on me will look like. Now, it's time to go shopping for that little black dress.
The appointment with the psychologist went well. We basically just talked about the things I shared in my posting from yesterday. We talked about my obsession with weight and that no matter how thin I ever was, I always perceived myself as fat. The psychologist had a great recommendation. She asked that prior to surgery I buy an outfit in a size I feel a thin person can wear. She asked that I hang this outfit in a place where it can be seen daily and visualize myself wearing that outfit. When I finally am able to wear it, I'll truly know I've won the battle. It's worth a try!
My goal is not to weigh a certain amount or wear a certain size. I have an idea in mind of what healthy on me will look like. Now, it's time to go shopping for that little black dress.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Hope on the Horizon
I've been overweight most of my life, and even when I wasn't overweight, I felt like I was. This is a battle I've fought for as long as I can remember. And, even though I know there's so much more to me than the number on the scale, that number has owned me more days of my life than not.
I'm 31 years old, and I can tie my obsession with the scale back to 7th grade gym class. Students would fill the gym floor in grid style, sitting on the floor, row after row. I don't remember who sat in front of me, behind or to the right of me...but I vividly remember the kid that sat to the left. Van Franklin...the jock type, not a bad kid, I actually liked him a little. Maybe that's what made it so heartbreaking when he told me out of the blue one day that I had a pretty face and he'd date me if I'd lose 50 pounds. At that time, I was maybe 140 pounds.
Richard Brown didn't do me any favors either. During the summer after 7th grade, my family moved acorss town, and I started 8th grade at a new school.....a school filled with mostly, or at least seemingly, wealthy kids. As if being the new kid in this kind of school wasn't bad enough, I had homeroom everyday with Richard Brown. I was his target. "Hey, fat girl!" That was his favorite thing to say in front of the entire class. Man, that was horrible. One day a teacher asked me what was wrong, and I told her Richard was calling me fat girl. Her reply, "well aren't you fat?"
After a summer of crackers, water, hardly eating much else and lots of walking, I started 9th grade out at 115 lbs. I still thought I was fat. From that point on, high school was pretty uneventful. It is interesting to note that in 11th grade, Van Franklin took me to homecoming, his prom and later to mine. Looking back, I should have had more self respect and told him to kiss my ass but at the time was flattered that my appearance finally met his approval. Oh, and by the way, dude was a horrible kisser!
In college, I dated a guy for a few years that I thought was "the one." The more comfortable I got, the more pounds I gained. I graduated from college at about 160 pounds. There was plenty of emotional baggage with this guy, who said he'd marry me when I could wear a single digit wedding dress. Your guess is as good as mine as to why I stayed with him. I could host an entire blog on red flags and warning signs based on this one guy alone.
In 2002, I met a man who loved all 160 pounds of me. We were married a year later, and now we have two sweet little girls. Between the 2 pregnancies and 6 years of marriage to a man who loves me for me, I've gained almost 100 pounds. My little girl starts kindergarten this August, and the thought of children making fun of her fat mommy breaks my heart. Kids can be cruel, but they are brutally honest. Yes, Ms. Young from 8th grade, I am fat, but that doesn't soften the blow. Adults should know better but unfortunately can be just as cruel as children who haven't learned social cues.
Because weight is just a number and doesn't define who I am as a person, I am officially admitting that today at my annual GYN visit, I topped the scales at 252 pounds. I am 5 feet tall. My BMI is 49.2. One other fact that makes the above easier to admit is that hope is on the horizon. To quote Queen Latifah, "I want to be a size healthy." For this reason, I am having the lapband weight loss surgery in the coming weeks.
I've mentioned some past experiences that emotionally have had an effect on me, but let there be no misunderstanding here...I take responsibility for my reactions to those experiences. At the end of the day, there's more to being overweight than eating and exercise. Some people have health issues, others emotional issues, and hell, some people just like to eat and lay around.
In the last 10 years, I've tried everything to lose weight, although I admit most attempts have been half hearted. And, while I know the lapband is not a miracle cure but rather a weight loss tool, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be healthy, to see my children grow, to enjoy life in it's fullest again, and to know that my husband not only loves me for me but also thinks I'm smokin' hot. For the first time since 7th grade, I want to be comfortable in my own skin and to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm not fat. Yes indeed, hope is on the horizon.
I'm 31 years old, and I can tie my obsession with the scale back to 7th grade gym class. Students would fill the gym floor in grid style, sitting on the floor, row after row. I don't remember who sat in front of me, behind or to the right of me...but I vividly remember the kid that sat to the left. Van Franklin...the jock type, not a bad kid, I actually liked him a little. Maybe that's what made it so heartbreaking when he told me out of the blue one day that I had a pretty face and he'd date me if I'd lose 50 pounds. At that time, I was maybe 140 pounds.
Richard Brown didn't do me any favors either. During the summer after 7th grade, my family moved acorss town, and I started 8th grade at a new school.....a school filled with mostly, or at least seemingly, wealthy kids. As if being the new kid in this kind of school wasn't bad enough, I had homeroom everyday with Richard Brown. I was his target. "Hey, fat girl!" That was his favorite thing to say in front of the entire class. Man, that was horrible. One day a teacher asked me what was wrong, and I told her Richard was calling me fat girl. Her reply, "well aren't you fat?"
After a summer of crackers, water, hardly eating much else and lots of walking, I started 9th grade out at 115 lbs. I still thought I was fat. From that point on, high school was pretty uneventful. It is interesting to note that in 11th grade, Van Franklin took me to homecoming, his prom and later to mine. Looking back, I should have had more self respect and told him to kiss my ass but at the time was flattered that my appearance finally met his approval. Oh, and by the way, dude was a horrible kisser!
In college, I dated a guy for a few years that I thought was "the one." The more comfortable I got, the more pounds I gained. I graduated from college at about 160 pounds. There was plenty of emotional baggage with this guy, who said he'd marry me when I could wear a single digit wedding dress. Your guess is as good as mine as to why I stayed with him. I could host an entire blog on red flags and warning signs based on this one guy alone.
In 2002, I met a man who loved all 160 pounds of me. We were married a year later, and now we have two sweet little girls. Between the 2 pregnancies and 6 years of marriage to a man who loves me for me, I've gained almost 100 pounds. My little girl starts kindergarten this August, and the thought of children making fun of her fat mommy breaks my heart. Kids can be cruel, but they are brutally honest. Yes, Ms. Young from 8th grade, I am fat, but that doesn't soften the blow. Adults should know better but unfortunately can be just as cruel as children who haven't learned social cues.
Because weight is just a number and doesn't define who I am as a person, I am officially admitting that today at my annual GYN visit, I topped the scales at 252 pounds. I am 5 feet tall. My BMI is 49.2. One other fact that makes the above easier to admit is that hope is on the horizon. To quote Queen Latifah, "I want to be a size healthy." For this reason, I am having the lapband weight loss surgery in the coming weeks.
I've mentioned some past experiences that emotionally have had an effect on me, but let there be no misunderstanding here...I take responsibility for my reactions to those experiences. At the end of the day, there's more to being overweight than eating and exercise. Some people have health issues, others emotional issues, and hell, some people just like to eat and lay around.
In the last 10 years, I've tried everything to lose weight, although I admit most attempts have been half hearted. And, while I know the lapband is not a miracle cure but rather a weight loss tool, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be healthy, to see my children grow, to enjoy life in it's fullest again, and to know that my husband not only loves me for me but also thinks I'm smokin' hot. For the first time since 7th grade, I want to be comfortable in my own skin and to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm not fat. Yes indeed, hope is on the horizon.
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