Hope on the Horizon

I've been overweight most of my life, and even when I wasn't overweight, I felt like I was. This is a battle I've fought for as long as I can remember. And, even though I know there's so much more to me than the number on the scale, that number has owned me more days of my life than not.

I'm 31 years old, and I can tie my obsession with the scale back to 7th grade gym class. Students would fill the gym floor in grid style, sitting on the floor, row after row. I don't remember who sat in front of me, behind or to the right of me...but I vividly remember the kid that sat to the left. Van Franklin...the jock type, not a bad kid, I actually liked him a little. Maybe that's what made it so heartbreaking when he told me out of the blue one day that I had a pretty face and he'd date me if I'd lose 50 pounds. At that time, I was maybe 140 pounds.

Richard Brown didn't do me any favors either. During the summer after 7th grade, my family moved acorss town, and I started 8th grade at a new school.....a school filled with mostly, or at least seemingly, wealthy kids. As if being the new kid in this kind of school wasn't bad enough, I had homeroom everyday with Richard Brown. I was his target. "Hey, fat girl!" That was his favorite thing to say in front of the entire class. Man, that was horrible. One day a teacher asked me what was wrong, and I told her Richard was calling me fat girl. Her reply, "well aren't you fat?"

After a summer of crackers, water, hardly eating much else and lots of walking, I started 9th grade out at 115 lbs. I still thought I was fat. From that point on, high school was pretty uneventful. It is interesting to note that in 11th grade, Van Franklin took me to homecoming, his prom and later to mine. Looking back, I should have had more self respect and told him to kiss my ass but at the time was flattered that my appearance finally met his approval. Oh, and by the way, dude was a horrible kisser!

In college, I dated a guy for a few years that I thought was "the one." The more comfortable I got, the more pounds I gained. I graduated from college at about 160 pounds. There was plenty of emotional baggage with this guy, who said he'd marry me when I could wear a single digit wedding dress. Your guess is as good as mine as to why I stayed with him. I could host an entire blog on red flags and warning signs based on this one guy alone.

In 2002, I met a man who loved all 160 pounds of me. We were married a year later, and now we have two sweet little girls. Between the 2 pregnancies and 6 years of marriage to a man who loves me for me, I've gained almost 100 pounds. My little girl starts kindergarten this August, and the thought of children making fun of her fat mommy breaks my heart. Kids can be cruel, but they are brutally honest. Yes, Ms. Young from 8th grade, I am fat, but that doesn't soften the blow. Adults should know better but unfortunately can be just as cruel as children who haven't learned social cues.

Because weight is just a number and doesn't define who I am as a person, I am officially admitting that today at my annual GYN visit, I topped the scales at 252 pounds. I am 5 feet tall. My BMI is 49.2. One other fact that makes the above easier to admit is that hope is on the horizon. To quote Queen Latifah, "I want to be a size healthy." For this reason, I am having the lapband weight loss surgery in the coming weeks.

I've mentioned some past experiences that emotionally have had an effect on me, but let there be no misunderstanding here...I take responsibility for my reactions to those experiences. At the end of the day, there's more to being overweight than eating and exercise. Some people have health issues, others emotional issues, and hell, some people just like to eat and lay around.
In the last 10 years, I've tried everything to lose weight, although I admit most attempts have been half hearted. And, while I know the lapband is not a miracle cure but rather a weight loss tool, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be healthy, to see my children grow, to enjoy life in it's fullest again, and to know that my husband not only loves me for me but also thinks I'm smokin' hot. For the first time since 7th grade, I want to be comfortable in my own skin and to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I'm not fat. Yes indeed, hope is on the horizon.